By Tony Deyal
Making up for lost female friends and their support, let’s start with a few jokes to ease them up, cool them down, and then explain. First, “How do you save a doctor from drowning? Take your foot off his head.” Two nurses were in the hospital talking about the new patient in room 302.
The first nurse declared: “You’ll never believe it about the guy in 302! I was giving him a sponge bath and I saw that he had the word ‘Swan’ tattooed on his manhood! That’s crazy!” The second nurse mused, “That does sound strange! I’ll have to see for myself – let me do his sponge bath tomorrow.” The next day they met, the second nurse told the other, “You’re right! He does have a tattoo on his manhood, but it doesn’t say ‘Swan’, it says ‘Saskatchewan’.” Before we move on, after an accident, a man woke up in the hospital with a sexy nurse standing over him. She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” “Fair enough,” he retorted – and felt her chest.
I suppose this is why my female nurse friends were upset that I did an entire article on male doctors (Sweet For Days) last week and left out the critical women health workers who make up over 70 percent of the labour force. They are really the beating heart of every health system. Unfortunately, they are concentrated into lower status, lower paid, and often they are not just unpaid, but harassed. It is true that women in healthcare occupations endure a significantly higher level of stress and burnout compared to their male counterparts and doctors.
Worse, some people who claim to be doctors are not. As one man learnt, when after his prostate exam the doctor walked out, and the nurse walked in. Immediately she asked the man something no man wants to hear. “Who was that man who was here with you?” In another matter, a man was upset and told the Nurse, “When I donate blood, I do not extract it myself. Nurses like you do it for me!” She replied, “Yes, but this is a sperm bank, and it doesn’t work that way!”
Just to give you a sense of how doctors see themselves, a nurse rushed into the office of her boss, and it was clear that she was scared. “Doctor,” she said, “We’re in trouble. The man you just released with a clean bill of health dropped dead right at the door of our office!” The doctor immediately jumped up from his car and told her, “Quick! Help me turn the body. I need people to think he was entering!”
This approach to business, and the way some doctors treat nurses, can get their clients upset and angry. For example, one asked me, “Why do nurses need a red pen?” He laughed and replied, “In case she needed to draw blood.” Another one came with, “What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The head nurse.” All Doctors seem to treat men just as badly as they joke about women. When an old man was in an accident and woke up in the hospital after he had been operated on, the doctor informed him, “Well, my friend, I have some bad news and some good news for you. The bad news is that we have to amputate both of your legs. But the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes.”
My female friends are clear they would never say something like that to really sick people, but the doctors don’t agree. Just to make it seem that women lack control, I was told this joke by one of the guys I knew at school, “Man, Tony, we had this really beautiful nurse from San Fernando who was managing a vasectomy and told the man, ‘Just to warn you, it’s not uncommon to get an erection during this process, don’t be embarrassed.’ The man laughed and replied: ‘That is all right Nurse. That will never happen to me.’ The nurse made it clear, ‘Not you, but it most likely will happen to me.’” This is why a doctor got his comeuppance when he had to be treated for a vasectomy. The nurse gave him a taste of his own medicine. She was very gentle, so he did not expect her to say when she was ready to start, “Just a little prick, sir!”
I know from my days spending time by one of my cousins, Cynthia, who worked in the Trinidad hospital, that the ladies were not immune to scrutinising the male patients. There is a story about a young man who had a minor procedure and the next day one of his friends came to see how things went and found that a lot of the nurses were flowing in and out with all sorts of snacks and beverages for his friend. Surprised, he questioned his buddy why he was getting so much attention from the nurses his friend lauged, “I guess the nurses heard it took twelve stitches for my circumcision!” Of course, all nurses are definitely not the same.
A man was in a hospital bed. wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. “Nurse,” he mumbled. “Are my testicles black?” The nurse raised his gown, held his parts, and after taking a close look made it clear, “There is nothing wrong with them sir.” The man then pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her, and then stated very slowly, “Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully to what I asked you and will ask you again, ‘Are-my-tests-results-back?’”
I know that men will most likely run from this one but I first heard it from a female doctor who was one of my colleagues when I worked in the Pan American Health Organisation (PAHO). She wanted to show us that even when it comes to jokes, women are better than men. She told us that she was working in a hospital in the US when she had to deal with a patient she called “John”. He kept telling her, even before he explained what his problem was, not to laugh at him.
She replied: “Of course I won’t laugh. What do you take me for? I’ve been a professional for more than twenty years and never laughed at a patient!” The man was relieved and told her, “Ok miss”. He then dropped his pants, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was very much the same size of an AAA battery. The nurse tried but failed to stop a giggle. Feeling really bad about it, she composed herself and said, “Sir, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse, I promise it won’t ever happen again. Now tell me, what’s the problem?” The man looked at her with tears in his eyes and said, “It’s swollen.”
*Tony Deyal said a psychotic mechanic in a mental hospital had sex with a nurse and then escaped. The newspaper headline read, “Nut Screws And Bolts.”
